Now, I’d like to start by saying that I can see why many people have such contempt toward the iPhone… it’s expensive, seemingly pointless to some people, and iPhone owners such as myself are often portrayed as royal douchebags that like to flaunt around their pricey gadgetry like it’s an extension of their cock. In fact, often times when I take it out to check the time or see if I received any calls I’m either told to put away my iPenis or ToolPhone. But you know what? FUCK ‘EM. This thing is damn useful.
For one, I suck at remembering dates. I just can’t do it. The part of my brain used to store that kind of information was long ago filled with more valuable knowledge, such as the lyrics to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme song or which Stephen King novels contain Dark Tower references. So once I purchased a device that let me carry around a list of all the shit I needed to do in the coming weeks right in my pocket, life became much easier. “Well, other phones have calendars as well,” some dicks may say… yeah, well those are a pain in my ass to update. Which leads me to my second point:
The keyboard. It’s incredibly intuitive and easy to use after only a few minutes of use. And best of all it’s a hell of a lot faster to use than a cell phone keypad, which just plain sucks. Using the number keys to type anything is a pain in the ass and takes far more time and effort than any text message warrants. I have visions of my sister fervently typing across the digits of her cell for five goddamn minutes to send a one sentence message. I mean, shit, this is the reason why people bitch about text messages and just say to call if you want to talk. And sure I could get a clunky Blackberry, but then I may be inclined to connect the thing to my work’s Exchange server. Yeah, I really want to see work e-mails on the weekend. No thanks. Plus those keyboards have such tiny buttons you practically have to shape your fingers in an electric pencil sharpener so you don’t end up mashing multiple letters at once. I feel like fat Homer Simpson using those things. “We’re sorry, your fingers are too fat. Please punch the fuck out of the front of the cell phone to receive a dialing stick.”
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The Command & Conquer series has long held a warm, fuzzy place in my heart. When I first acquired my own personal computer at 14, Command & Conquer was there to welcome me into the realm of PC gaming. It was the first game to introduce me to the world of Real-time Strategy… until then, I’d been content with jumping on goombas and taking baddies out one at a time in the first-person perspective. Command & Conquer allowed me to build and control an entire army all my own, and I had a blast with it. Over the years as the games advanced and evolved into Red Alert, Tiberian Sun, Red Alert 2, Generals and C&C 3, I’ve enjoyed blasting my way through thousands upon thousands of Nod and Soviet scum, and I’ll be damned if I didn’t have a great time doing it. Every addition to the series has seemed to add something new and exciting to the franchise, from unit experience and leveling in Generals to the much-improved live-action cutscenes, graphics, and voiceover work in C&C3.
